Very often I go anywhere, I envitable end up replaying a huge story in my head. This dialogue typically involves me, the hero of my story, a plot where the situation I am in needs a reassurance or validation and through this story I’m participating in, I end up achieving the acceptance that I seek. Some spaces make me think of society and the dreaded “what will people say?”; some others make me reevaluate where I am in life and even others make me worry about where I am headed and what it all means. Lately, I’ve begun to realise that everybody rehearses this same story - whether in a social situation, the work-space and even personal home space of intimate relationships.
The funny thing about this story of anxiety is that no matter how many times the situation perfectly unfolds, for me or the person in front of me, we’re never happy! The sum total of fear remains the same, unchanged with age, time, experience or accomplishment. I notice that I come out each time still feeling empty and wanting to add to or delete the narrative and the rehearsed story continues. And what’s more, this experience is so dramatic, if I step out and watch myself - my chest gets tighter, my breath quickens and I begin to overthink and find fault with every step. The body, breath and mind together work in perfect harmony to make me completely unsure about myself.
The foundation of this narrative, I have to come to realise, is the unending need for explaining myself. But I often ask, “Is it really necessary to explain myself to the point of ridiculousness?” Recently when I was reading the book, The Body Keeps the Score, I found my answer in some form, when I read, “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.” This made me reflect about the times that I don’t deal with this anxiety. When I share what I truly feel with my loved ones, I get the reassurance, support and constructive feedback. This sets me free and helps me get out of my own head. Now, how do I replicate this feeling even without the external aid of a loved one?
The answer here is, like what yoga philosophy repeatedly reiterates, to push back against one’s own mind. I put my thoughts through the 3 gates of speech given by Rumi:
When the answer is no, I reconsider the veracity of everything that I am thinking and practice the difficult art of being open to new experiences without jumping to conclusions. When the answer is yes, then I realise that I do not need to be so harsh with myself and there is no need for this additional drama.
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